Communication Skills for Couples: I-Statements

Pop quiz -- how do you feel as you read the following statements?

• “You’re always late.”
• “I feel anxious when you show up late.”
• “You never take me out anymore.”
• “When you take me out, I feel connected to you.  I’m sad we haven’t done that lately.”
• “You jerk!”
• “I feel really angry right now.”

I’m guessing you felt tense and defensive as you read some of the statements and neutral, relieved, or even relaxed as you read others. 

Reader, meet I-statements.  I-statements, Reader.  I think you two could do big things together.

If you’re looking to improve your communication with your partner, I highly recommend adding I-statements --also known as I-messages – to your toolkit.  I-statements encourage openness and ongoing dialogue, while you-statements tend to incite anger and defensiveness.

I-Statements versus You-Statements

Here’s a handy dandy chart outlining the differences between I- and You-Statements:

You-Statements		I-Statements
May be/include:	Example:	May be/include:	Example:
General	“You didn’t clean up like you promised you would! You upset me so much!”	Specific	“I feel angry that the trash hasn’t been taken out yet.”
Blame	“You make me feel so unattractive!”	Taking responsibility for one’s feelings	“When you don’t compliment me on my appearance, I feel insecure.”
Focuses on the problem without offering a solution	“You’re just not understanding!”	Identifies what one wants/needs	“I’m feeling sad and could use a hug.”
“Oughts” and “shoulds”	“You really should look for another job.”	Focuses on the present moment	“I’m noticing that I feel anxious right now as I’m listening to you talk about work.”
Labels	“You’re so selfish!”	Labels one’s feelings rather than another’s character	“I feel sad when you choose to spend time with your friends on Friday nights.”
Thoughts only	“You’re so forgetful.  You must have ADHD or something.”	Thoughts and feelings	“When you forget things I’ve said in conversations, I feel hurt and forgotten.”
States an opinion as though it’s a fact.	“This is stupid.  You don’t know what you’re doing at all.  We should just give up.”	Acknowledges others may have different opinions.	“I notice I’m feeling frustrated and want to give up.  How are you feeling?”

A Powerful I-Statement Formula

Here’s a great formula for expressing yourself using I-Statements:

            1.    When you___________,

Start with identifying the behavior that you would like to communicate about.  Be as specific and concrete as possible. 

Example: “When you don’t call me to let me know you’re going to be late for dinner…”

While this statement includes the word “you,” we can avoid the pitfalls of you-statements using specific, non-judgmental language.  This along with a calm, neutral tone of voice and body language can help prevent defensiveness.

2.    I feel___________.

Name the emotion that you feel when #1 happens. 

Again, be as specific as possible.  Avoid vague terms like “upset” and “bad” and opt for words that will allow your partner to understand exactly what you’re feeling, e.g. sad, angry, afraid, exuberant (side note – you can remember these four basic emotions using the acronym SAFE.  Most emotions are spin-offs and combinations of SAFE).    Check out a feeling chart if you need help naming your emotion.

Note! Beware of the disguised you-statement pitfall, which usually starts with “I think that” or “I feel like.”  For example, “I think that you are trying to make me jealous on purpose” and “I feel like you just don’t like my family” both start with "I" but focus on the other person in a blaming, judgmental manner.

Example: “When you don’t call me to let me know you’re going to be late for dinner, I feel anxious and frustrated.”

3.    I imagine___________.

Empathy is one of the best ways to keep a difficult conversation flowing.  With this statement, you’ll step into your partner’s shoes and guess at the good reason s/he acts this way.

Example: “When you don’t call me to let me know you’re going to be late for dinner, I feel anxious and frustrated.  I imagine you’re caught up in work, something you work hard at because you want to give us a good life.”

4.    I need/want___________.

Identify what you want and need in this situation.

Example: “When you don’t call me to let me know you’re going to be late for dinner, I feel anxious and frustrated.  I imagine you’re caught up in work, something you work hard at because you want to give us a good life. I need reliability and consistency in our relationship.”

It can be tempting to say “I need you to…,” but this is a disguised you-statement.  If you struggle with identifying I-statement needs, take a look at this NVC inventory of needs.

5.    Would you _________?

Here you can make a request of your partner.  Remember, specific and concrete is best. 

Example: “When you don’t call me to let me know you’re going to be late for dinner, I feel anxious and frustrated.  I imagine you’re caught up in work, something you work hard at because you want to give us a good life. I need reliability and consistency in our relationship.  Would you please call me at 5 p.m. each day to let me know how much longer you’ll be?”

Your request can also focus on the present moment.

Example: “Would you please hug me and, if you’re open to it, reassure me that you’ll call if you’re late?”

Using this formula can help you communicate clearly and assertively with your partner without sacrificing heart or instigating conflict.

Practice

As with anything, this tool takes practice.  I encourage you to share this article with your partner and begin practicing with one another.  If your partner is resistant or you need extra support, find a buddy or therapist to practice with, as this tool will help you feel empowered, clear, and loving in the midst of conflict.

My monthly couples workshops are a great place to practice I-statements.  I’ll be discussing this tool in more depth at this month's workshop, which takes place on on October 16^th: 

Personal Growth for Couples
A Monthly Drama Therapy* Workshop

This Month's Topic: Communication Skills

*No theater experience required. Shy and LGBTQ couples encouraged to join*

A workshop for couples who want to revitalize their relationship. Explore common problem areas for couples,such as:

·  Communication
· Money
·  Sex
·  Parenting
· Addiction
·  Life transitions
· Depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues

Meet like-minded couples, learn relationship skills, and resolve difficulties in your partnership. Through role-playing, drama therapy exercises, and group discussion, you will get a fresh perspective on your relationship and connect with your partner in a new way. 

7:00 - 9:00 pm
Second Tuesday of Every Month

The East Bay Healing Collective
1840 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley

Fee per couple: $30 in advance, $45 at the door
Space is limited - to hold your spot, send $15 via PayPal to info@livingartscenter.org

JessicaEngle@LivingArtsCenter.org ~ (510) 595-5500, ext. 36 ~ www.JessicaEngle.com

References

1. "Using I-Statements" http://www.communicationandconflict.com/i-statements.html
2. "I Statements" http://www.humanpotentialcenter.org/Articles/IStatements.html
3. "'I' Statements" http://www.wcmhar.org/Statements.htm
4. "I Statements" http://parentingwisely.com/media/uploads/cms/pdf/I%20messages.pdf
5. "Learning to Say 'I' Instead of 'You'" http://www.girlshealth.gov/relationships/conflict/i_statements.cfm
6. "Needs Inventory" http://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory